About Me

Well where do I start.... a frumpy, fortysomething who has seriously lost her way and is hoping that this blog is the key to getting back on track - in terms of mind, body and spirit! The road is long............

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Well the reason I started blogging....

I really started this blog as an outlet for my frustration's while trying and failing to conceive.  I started a diary of TTC a long time ago - I just saved it in word documents but really I want to blog it so I thought I would transfer the potted highlights to fill in the blanks and then start afresh!

So here is the first 5 years of my TTC journey!

Its starts in October 2002 and takes us upto August 2006 - I will endeavour to get the rest up to speed when I can!

Its a bit long!  Sorry x
Our TTC journey
It is September 2007 and I feel that really I need to write down the events of the past few years in my own words, the way I feel it daily.  So we will start at the very beginning!

October 5th 2002
Our Wedding Day.  For me a fresh start, a chance to forget the past and plan for the future.

November 2002
A chance to start taking the folic acid, get the diet under control and prepare to conceive.

February 2003
And so we begin the journey of date counting and knicker watch starts.  I know we may be in for a battle as I had troubles when I was trying for Charlotte.  Little did i know what we were up against!

November 2003
I rediscovered http://www.hitched.co.uk/ a website I used a lot in the build up to the wedding, to help find reading etc.  It has a section called Baby Talk, so I start lurking on there picking up tips.

June 2004
Following a lot of research I join www.fertilityfriend.com a website recommended on BT that you can chart your cycles and not down all fertile signs.

December 2004
Consultant appointment at Bedford Hospital with Mrs Wallace, very to the point lady, we get on well.  She tells me I am a good weight to conceive and that obviously She will just check my day 21 bloods but thinks as with Charlotte I just need some clomid and all will be fine!

April 2005
On 6th April we started taking a 50mg dose of clomid, day 2 – day 6.  It made me very moody but we survived.  Sadly no BFP that month

May 2005
On 5th May 2005 we started cycle 2 of the clomid, much the same as last month  and still no BFP, we had been given 3 initial doses and then been booked for an HSG examination on 17th July if no BFP.

June 2005
On 2nd June we started month 3 of the clomid. 

July 2005
One month later on 2nd July I got my BFP, we were delighted, we left it a few days and then told Charlotte and Mum and Dad and Cindy all were delighted!  My estimated due date was 9th March 2006.  The relief was immense; I was going to make Chris a Daddy at last.
August 2005
On 1st August I noticed a tiny pin prick of blood in my knickers, I was mortified, we were due to be going away, I saw Dr Griffiths who said go anyway, don’t do too much, just chill, nothing you do will change the outcome.  On the Monday we went for a scan only to discover that our little bean had died at about 6 weeks.  We were mortified.  I opted for a natural miscarriage without intervention, a decision I have regretted ever since!  The bleeding started a few days later but I had to go back to the hospital for the following 5 Tuesdays to be scanned until I was given the all clear.  I was given another 3 months worth of clomid and told to leave it for a month before I started taking them.

September 2005
Back to the clomid, no joys!

October 2005
Same again this month, onwards and upwards as they say!

November/ December 2005
On 4th November we started cycle 6 of the clomid, the next 8 weeks were a bit of a blur!  I started bleeding on 4th December which we incorrectly assumed was my period – I did not do a test – once again another decision I will regret forever.  The period barely lasted a day or two!  I thought nothing of it and on cd9 I started poas (pee on a stick) and was very surprised that it was OPK+ so we started DTD again.  DTD started the bleeding just spotting but it was very unusual.  This went on for several days until I discovered that OPK’s can pick up the pregnancy hormone.  On 14th December I did a test and it came out as a BFP – I was mortified that I had had bleeding we had DTD what had I done!  How could I have been so stupid.
I went to the GP on 14/11/05 and said I had done a positive test – he said “well you are pregnant” and then I explained about the bleeding and he said “well you must be losing it then” I was amazed and upset by his attitude, he refused to arrange a scan. I worked out my edd from LMP and it was 11 August 2006
I went back to a different doctor in the practise the next day who arranged a scan for me.  We went for the scan and they could not find a scan – I was not surprised at all with a sac all the bleeding that I had had but was still very upset.  I had blood tests and was asked to poas too.  They were very concerned as the bloods and poas showed I was pregnant but there was nothing to be found where it should be.  There was a big ectopic question mark hanging over me!  I went back for a scan and bloods 48 hours these did not help and was asked to go back again.

Christmas Eve 2005
The scans were still not clear so I was asked to go back for another scan on Christmas Eve, sadly gynae was shut so I had to go on the Post natal ward.  As I went up in the lift, there were Dads going in with empty car seats ready to bring their new babies for Christmas – it was just so hard.  As I walked past the delivery suite I could hear all the ladies in there, in labour.  I was shut in a side room while they found a free scanner.  They did the scan and then spent 45 minutes looking for someone to take my blood.  I left in tears and really did not feel like Christmas, I went home and dried my tears and put on my usual brave face!  At about 3 I got a call from the hospital to say that finally my bloods were coming down and that I had been very lucky, I was given a list of things to look out for and the dial direct number in case I needed help and was told to go back at the end of the following week.
I started bleeding heavily on Boxing Day so in my heart of hearts I knew it was all over again.  This was confirmed by a scan the following week.
I asked why I kept loosing babies but they could give me no answer and they would not do any tests until I have had 3 miscarriages!
When I saw Mrs Wallace the next time, She mentioned that my weight was creeping up and that I needed to get my BMI to 25 in order to conceive.  And until it was at 25 I could have no more clomid!

January 2006
So I start 2006 very fed up, fat and unhappy.  I can’t seem to break the cycle and my weight creeps up – How can I have let this happen.  It is me holding things up now and despite this I still can’t get kick started and into action.  We take the decision that we will give it our all even without the clomid and keep trying while I try and lose weight – easier said than done!

February – May 2006
Life passes me by while we keep things going as best we can but realistically it is a front!  I am struggling big time.  Chris and I bicker the pressure is so great and yet I know the only thing that will ease the pressure is a BFP – we have to keep going – we can’t afford to stop.

June 2006
On 21st June I am amazed that we have a BFP – my first ever natural BFP.  Whilst I am scared, I am delighted as is Chris, we tell a few friends and family and begin to plan the future again.  I feel like a cloud has been lifted.  To top it all the estimated due date is 25th February, Mums Birthday!
July 2006
We have a lovely holiday in Cornwall, I spent a lot of time chilling.  Charlotte and Chris surf lots on the body boards, I just sit and read.  My boobs are sore, my tummy is growing and all is well.  I am scared after the past but as each week goes by I feel so so happy.

August 2006
Our 12 week scan is booked for 7th August.  On 4th August Chris and I had words in the evening, I was cross with his brother, we had a quick rant at each other and I went to bed, I went to the toilet at bedtime and to my horror I was bleeding.  I could not believe it. By then it was 11pm so there was nothing I could do.  I rang the hospital in the morning and they put me on 48 hours bed rest and wait until my scan on Monday.  I stayed in bed all weekend. 

August 7th
We went for the scan on the Monday, and explained about the weekend bleed.  The scanner questioned my dates and I just knew then it was all over again.  Chris could not believe it – he had tears in his eyes but I just felt numb. Why did this have to happen on Judith’s birthday!
We were taken to the side room and the nurse came to discuss the options.  I was torn with what to do, I knew I did not want a natural wait and see but was not sure about medically managed or ERPC.  The nurse was lovely and said I could go home and sleep on it.  We came away shocked that we were going to break our families hearts again.  I went on Hitched I spoke to my midwife friend and in the end I decided that I would opt for the medically managed miscarriage.
August 8th
I went in the next morning and took a tablet at 11.00am and was booked onto the ward for 2 days time.

August 10th
Christine took me to the hospital for my day as an in-patient.  Mum and Dad were on holiday they offered to cancel but what could they have done!  Chris went to work, my Mum was cross that he did but it was I wanted and I still maintain that was the right thing to do.  Why should he witness such a horrible day.  I cannot help but feel deep despair that my precious little angel, was just taken to the incinerator in such an undignified way. Gutted devastated and not sure what to do next.  I would be referred back to Mrs Wallace to see where to go from here.

Sunday, 5 September 2010

So thats my last day of the holidays done for a while....

The day got off to an early start - oven cleaning - yuk!  I had wanted to get someone in to do it but at the moment finances dictated that the elbow grease that wasneeded would be ours - little did I realsie that it would take so long.  I started it and Chris finished it!  It took forever but is shinning now.

I have many been doing paperwork today - the joys of teaching.  I am looking forward to going back to the routine of work but not looking forward to the long days and planning.

Charlotte is with her Dad this weekend and I am really missing her.  I text her often which I know bugs her, but sometimes I get  a reply.

I re joined the gym yestedray and I will be going for my first session back at 7.30am tomorrow morning - I am quite looking forward to it!  Now where did I bury those trainers!!

Saturday, 4 September 2010

The Climb.....

my previous post got me thinking......

These lyrics really mean something to me about my journey.....

I can almost see it

That dream I'm dreaming but

There's a voice inside my head sayin,

You'll never reach it,

Every step I'm taking,

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking but I

Got to keep trying

Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle,

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,

Ain't about how fast I get there,

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down but

No I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I'm going to remember most yeah

Just got to keep going

And I,

I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle,

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,

Ain't about how fast I get there,

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb (yeah)

There's always going to be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle,

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,

Ain't about how fast I get there,

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb (yeah yeah ea ea)

Keep on moving

Keep climbing

Keep the faith baby

It's all about

It's all about

What doesn't kill you makes you strong.......

.... my new name will be Hercules!

Maybe not and in honesty I do not want to go into too much detail on here as once I start I may never stop!  That said at the moment I feel like I am at the bottom of a large hill, I want to reach the top but am not sure which route to take, the easiest one is not always the one to go for as its not where you want to go.

The picture is a beautiful family favourite spot - its quiet and a place to go to have a think - I wish I could transport myself now but i will just have to make do with the picture.  The lake is at the top of about an hours walk and leads off to lots of mountains to climb - it feels quite apt to use it in this post!  I have been to this lake most years since I was 5 and it is my Dad's favourite place to be!  We have had many a family walk up to the lake to either walk on somewhere else or just to admire the view.

A lovely quiet thoughtful spot in North Wales

So yesterday was one of those milestones....

Charlotte started Sixth form yesterday.  She was very worried about the whole thing but in particular she had this nagging fear she was going to get lost.  She had been at her previous School since Year 4 so was feeling a little vulnerable!  I drove her to school as the bus worries her - its not hugely far on the map but I spent 2 and 1/4 hours in the car in total!!  Eek that's one stressful school run - luckily I will not be doing that one everyday.

When I picked her up she was full of chit chat and very animated which was so refreshing as really since the end of Year 8 Charlotte has struggled at school and has not liked being there!  That will be the ADD in her.  She was reunited with a couple of people she was at Nursery and 'Little' School which was great - She has someone she knows in every lesson and She has made some new friends already - what a relief!

As the proud Mummy I took her photo in the morning - ready for school as I have done in September as She has started each new school - well Nursery School then Big School!  Now I guess she is at Giant School.  Her Nursery School (where I work) has 109 children, Big School had 300 but Giant School has 700 just in the Sixth Form so we are talking scarily big!

Here's to 2 years of enjoying Education  :)

Thursday, 2 September 2010

So this is it.....

Looks like I have started blogging.... I don't know how often I will post, it could be several times some days and then nothing for weeks.  I guess it will depend on how things pan out.

I have been wanting to start a blog for many months but never really made the time - in honesty I have not really got the time tonight but its all a question of priorities and I guess there reches a point when you just have to put yourself first!

I have always liked the thought of diary writing but never really get past January so I guess doing it online you can dip in and out without those big blank pages staring back at you when you miss a few days!

I used a diary to get through my IVF treatments a couple of years ago and it felt do good to write things down - almost like a cappuccino with a friend if you know what I mean.

I really am not sure where this blog will lead.  It may help me on the weight loss path, it may help me hold things together at home a little better , it may help ease the fertility stresses and strains or just give me a bolt hole and a place to hide!

It may be read by many it may be read by only me - that said I already feel a little calmer than I did 20 minutes ago so maybe this is just the therapy I need!